Grill from the future: 3/4/10
This reminds me of a funny story.
Around Christmastime, we took a walk to the mall. salb918 jr2 was about a month old. I put him in the sling, and then I put a big down coat over the salb918/baby assembly.
When we got to the mall, I still had the coat on. A woman at one of those jewelry kiosks stops me.
“What’s under your jacket?”
Maybe she thought I was hiding a bomb. I unzipped my coat to reveal the sling.
“It’s a baby.”
“Oh. Is he yours?”
I’m used to cooing, not questions about paternity.
“Yes.”
“Then why is he white?”
“He’s mixed,” I say. That didn’t really seem to satisfy her, but the truth was the best I could muster. I don’t do short-notice snark.
I hate it when people ask me about my ethnic background without coming out and just asking it. I’ve heard “where are you from” (California), “what’s your nationality” (American), “where were you born” (Concord), etc. What’s really on people’s mind is, “Why is your skin brown?” but until they ask that or “where are your parents from?” or the equivalent, I’m happy being a non-compliant.
“Dammit, I knew the pool boy used too much chlorine this morning!”
up
“Shit, I kidnapped the wrong fucking kid. He was supposed to be Asian. Fuck. My wife is so going to kill me now.”
up
“The mailman is white.”
up
I think we have a winner.
up
I’m good friends with Michael Jackson
up
when people ask where my kid got blue eyes or curly hair I always say “from his father”
up
If you really want to confuse people tell them he got it from his brother.
up
up
In Spring Training, I root for tannis.
up
Insufficient dedication
So sal, quite innocently asked, what is the best way to approach that, then?
I’ve found that being inquisitive about other people’s heritage is often a nice transition to find common ground between and among cultures. I’ve also found that people from foreign countries are often eager and wanting to talk about where they’re from. And it’s not just skin color. If someone has an accent, I’m probably even more likely to ask where they are from. It’s not a substitute (in my instance, anyhow) for why is your skin brown? Your skin’s brown because it’s fucking brown, just like mine’s pinkish because it’s pinkish.
BTW, in places like, say, Sarasota, Florida, it’s quite natural that a great percentage of the people aren’t from here, so asking, “Where you from?” becomes almost a second tier question (i.e. to be asked after “How ’bout this weather?” and “How ’bout them Gators?”), irrespective of skin tone or accent. Even the pink ones here are from someplace else.
But it is presumptuous to assume simply because you have brown skin that you’re from someplace else. I could see where that would bother you. It also sounds like perfume lady was just plain rude to you. I would’ve faked a brogue and told her Ireland.
up
Fuck Ireland, he should have said he was born and raise in Antarctica.
up
he would have had to have been wearing a tuxedo.
up
He left it at his parent’s (i.e. Mr. & Mrs. Penguin) house.
up
That’s a fair enough question. My take is that if I told you was born in Concord, am an American, and like the A’s we would have a lot more to talk about than if I told you what part of India/Pakistan my ancestors come from. I don’t have any particular point of pride for “being” from that part of the world. It wasn’t even in my control.
Everything about me, except my skin color, says I’m just a regular white guy who enjoys doing regular white guy things. I have infinitely more to say about science, weather, baseball, and babies than I have to say about where my dad is from.
up
Does it help that I pictured you as a white guy? And now I picture you as a white guy with brown skin? You have a fucking awesome perma-tan dude?
up
things
whitepeoplesalb918likes.comup
I always wear North Face fleece vests and khaki shorts.
up
… the latter of which come down to your ankles?
up
“shorts” touch my shoes.
up
Now, ask yourselves how a simple change of
colorscreenname in your statements would have sounded to each of you, and to the community at large.up
Exactly what I was thinking of.
up
I was going to drop a “paging xbx” comment.
up
Well, if you would’ve told me you were from Concord, that’s what I would’ve talked to you about. And we would’ve gotten to the A’s in about 20 seconds.
Had I been working at that jewelry kiosk, my first reaction would have been “whoa, al qaeda, what the fuck is under your jacket there?” Then I would have been like, “okay it’s not a bomb but why the fuck is that baby white – did you steal that baby? – and how come you’re not carrying a Koran? Are you trying to fake assimilate like those assholes who blew up the twin towers? This is America, motherfucker. Fool us once, shame on us, fool us twice … whatever, we don’t get fooled twice, is the point.” Then I would have made a citizen’s arrest and called the FBI just to be safe. I probably would not have arrested the baby.
up
sage.
up
Then posted on redstate about your heroism?
up
Yay!
up
I would have tweeted a breathless, 24 style blow by blow account as it was happening, interspersed with links to the Constitution and the 912 Project:
tht annual? i cant google rite now. any of u know wut that is? Terrorist Handbook for Terrorism?
dude just tried to tell me he isn’t muslim. whatever!
that baby is pretty cute. i feel sad for the real family.
bill of rights http://bit.ly/WnU8t READ IT!!
fbi on the way. mall security alrdy here
@ewerickson i knoW!! i have a boner too! defending freedom is HOT
up
Y’know, I don’t mean to pick on you, but I find it kind of telling that you immediately pegged kiosk woman as a fire-breathing caricature of conservatives.
Woman was clearly of middle-eastern extraction, with a slight but distinct accent. She was young and we were in one of the most liberal parts of the country. I would bet $10 that she was somewhere between politically apathetic and “liberal” (in the “W-HATES-MUSLIMS” sense).
Mostly, she was an irritating combination of inquisitiveness and ignorance, which typically knows no political bounds.
up
You can pick on me … no need to pre-apologize.
I find it kind of telling that you immediately pegged kiosk woman as a fire-breathing caricature of conservatives.
I didn’t; you’re taking me too literally, I think. The joke doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the reality of your anecdote. Same as if you told a story about someone being a jerk at a ballgame, and I wrote a parody of a drunk Red Sox fan being a jerk at a ballgame. Doesn’t mean I assume that particular jerk at that particular ballgame was a Red Sox fan, or that all or most jerks are Red Sox fans, just that lots of Red Sox fans turn into drunk jerks when they are at ballgames.
up
Okay, then. As long as we can agree that Red Sox fans are jerks.
up
A couple of further points:
1. It’s a caricature, to be sure, but not so distant from reality; there are lots more of those folks than maybe it’s comfortable to acknowledge. I think both liberals and conservatives who fancy themselves “sensible” tend to be extremely sensitive about being lumped in with the stupid people, to the point that they rule all discussion/mockery of those stupid people as out of bounds, or perceive it as a slight against them. This is the same as pretending those people don’t exist, which is a mistake. To get back to the particular stupid people I was making fun of above: If I were a self-described conservative, I’d be spending a lot of time thinking about how much influence that strain of “patriotism” has on the policy positions of the party I (nominally, anyway) support.
2. I made a sacred vow (involving a pin pricked index finger, a quarter teaspoon of blood, and a now malfunctioning touchpad) to occasionally interject different kinds of funny into the predominant puns-twss-coen reference genre, even if said funnies fall flat. I cannot go back on this pledge, however much cringing misunderstanding it may induce. Thank you in advance for your patience.
up
I never said it wasn’t funny (I laughed).
up
TWSS?
up
I thought I did that.
And what mk said. I was specifically thinking about the airplane incident JCole made fun of a month or so ago.
up
That was the best part: the woman was very clearly of Middle Eastern extraction.
Since it’s the future in Florida, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LB! (I’m sorry, I know you were trying to keep it secret.)
up
I was just a few moments ago listening to the Vandals’ epic song The Legend of Pat Brown, the version which begins with an interview which goes:
Narrator: As we tour the world with the Vandals, by far the question we’re asked the most is “Who is Pat Brown?”
(cut to taped interview)
Pat Brown: “I’m the white Rodney King. I ran down three cops, dragged two through the parking lot and I’m pretty proud of it.”
Interviewer: “Why’d you do it?”
PB: “It was my birthday”
Bloom, make of that what you will.
up
they beat the fuck out of you for behavior like that in LA. Here, they just shoot your ass.
up
Wow, Jerry’s dad was a scary sumbich…
up
You will croak you little clown
When you mess with Governor Brown.
up
Zen fascists will control you.
up
100% Natural
I’d quote some more, but I gotta go jogging now.
up
make sure you bring your happy face.
up
thank you, Miss Poppy.
up
Do you have a yard? Or a balcony?
up
Yard.
up
It’s not as much fun to throw whippersnappers out of that.
up
up
is it Harden’s birthday, too?
up
I sent a link to your cell phone
up
damn.
up
Aw. Rich.
(Happy [late] birthday, LB!)
up
It’s not the birthday that’s late, ws.
up
Yeah, yeah.
New PS3 baseball game allows you to record your own taunts.
up
I just got The Show 10 yesterday. First time I played a baseball game since the All Star Baseball series. I’d recommend anyone with a PS3 pick this up. It’s incredible.
up
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I will. The demo was good.
up
I got tired of MVP ‘05 (I’m PC games only) so I think I’m just screwed.
She didn’t ask why he’s already taller than you?
A’s baseball is on the air!!!!!!!! Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
up
How’s the radio reception? It’s supposed to be better for daytime games this year.
up
After a bit of pivoting of my crappy desktop boom box, it’s not bad.
up
Much better for me, in two locations around the house.
up
TWSS
up
Wheeeee! here’s Ken!
up
TWSS
Fox flashes the glove! Fosse praises his versatility…
Cahill gives up the longball!
Yglesiasm:
Hmmmmmm
up
Worster and Worstest were nothing more than unavoidable conclusions of the rest of the story.
up
It could’ve gotten even worsterer…I thought Republican anti-gay State Senator leaving gar bar with another man getting DUI while witnessed in a lewd act was sure to be next.
up
That would’ve been worse. He was getting head.
90 Kinds of Bitches
as listed by a D.C. third grader. Too many good ones to pick a fave, though “got all that mouth but cant step bitches” and “wearing shoes that be talking bitches” are hard to top.
up
wearing shoes that be talking bitches.
Hands down.
up
“Crosby” screaming bitches
sun loving bitches
sanctimonious counseling bitches
joe buck being bitches
swag hating bitches
hella bitchy bitches
be having sex with Lackey in the rocks at Angels stadium bitches
up
licking blanton’s face bitches
jockin’ chavez bitches
…wait, just read yours. Yours are funny. I like joe buck being bitches.
up
moneyball misunderstadin bitches
up
black cleat wearin bitches
up
pink hat wearin bitches
up
pants on the ground bitches
up
lost watchin bitches
up
bloggin bitches
up
** bitches
up
free krautin’ bitches
kraut freein’ bitches
up
sign making bitches
up
bitchin’ sign-maker bitches
up
this is exactly what i hoped would happen when i posted that link bitches
up
free seat upgradin bitches
up
slung-baby-concealin bitches
up
hittin-hittin for power-throwin-fieldin-runnin bitches
up
Three true outcomin bitches
up
Chair throwin bitches
up
too much time on their hands should be working but are slackin off bitches.
up
cabbage fermentin bitches
up
English accented bitches
up
Angel-managing bitches
bitches what hate on Jack Cust
team-moving bitches
bitches that be throwin’ at Prince Fielder
washed up catcher bitches
up
swingin at sliders bitches
boo yah bitches
up
how awesome was it askin’ bitches
mike askin’ bitches
up
hack-a-shaq’in bitches
up
Best comment:
“This is awesome! I imagined it being recited “Masterpiece Theater” style by Juvenile. Dressed in a smoking jacket with a glass of Henny and Coke on a side table, a smouldering blunt in the ashtray.”
All FKers are depressed.
up
So the key to happiness is to just speak about important things with people who matter?
That’s sooo causal.
I am not anywhere near approaching a scientist and I basically believe in the social sciences, to a degree. But trying to make meta-blanket statements about anything like this is just stupid. The first question I’d like to ask is how they gauged happiness. Self-report? Then there’s about fifteen other questions I’d like answered.
And WTF is CNN doing “reporting” this “news”? How is this even approaching newsworthy? Someone did a study by putting recorders on 79 undergrads, and then analyzed their talk. No, there’s no room for error, there.
up
not havin’ their shit tight before releasing the study bitches.
fake ass news reporting bitches.
up
Yeah, CNN’s a real quality outfit
up
better?
MLB At Bat on Android lovin’ bitches
(yay!)
up
non-apple product lovin’ bitches
up
non cellphone havin’ bitches.
up
naan lovin’ bitches